Episodes

I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't.

in january 2005, i had this crazy, foolish crush on a boy. his name was thomas and we were both in second year high school. the year was ending and i kept my secret to myself. that summer, we started sending messages to each other, he told me what he was up to in the summer and i replied in return; smiling to myself every time i see my phone blinking with an unopened message. when summer was ending, he once mentioned his crush was back in the city (where i was, at that time.) i smiled silently as i my heart fluttered in the darkness that enveloped me that night, and i remember the news was about pope john paul ii and his illness. then i prayed, i prayed for a chance to show thomas the best of me, and the best of what we both could achieve... together. i was 14 then.

july 3, 2005. it was a month after my third year in high school started. that day, he messaged me if i was home, when i said i was, he told me to look outside. when i did, i expected him to be outside, laughing or grinning at me, but he wasn't; instead, i looked down and found a long-stemmed rose on the patch of grass underneath the pine tree. it was one of the best times of my life. my first rose. from my first love.

the succeeding days were unbearable! we couldn't look at each other. those days, i spent my lunch period in the library talking with my friends about anime, movies, computer games and other nerdy/geeky stuff. (i don't deny my geeky-ness. do you?)

after classes, however, thomas and i would stay in the school-grounds talk about randomness and laugh awkwardly when we reach a silent stage in our talks. he once asked how my parents met, which i answered awkwardly with, 'i don't really know.', and he laughed and said, 'aren't you supposed to know those kind of stuff?'.

july 26, 2005. he asked me to the prom at 5:48pm.

july 27, 2005. we started sending messages to each other, i don't remember if we had classes that day, but i do remember accompanying my friend Ria, to the clinic because she was feeling ill. thomas messaged me that he was cutting classes to play DotA; (i used to be okay with it.) Lunch time, and Ria and I went our separate ways, i think and i accidentally received 100 credits to my phone, which was really good, because 100 credits usually lasts a week or two. being a young nerdy, smart, geeky, teacher's pet, rebel, watchamacallit, i was back in my friends' classroom playing Tong-its, a card-game very famous for small-time gambling in the rural, and rugged streets of our dear country. it was honestly, the coolest game in school in 2005-2007? i'm not really sure. that afternoon, he messaged me: 'circle of lif gihapon ka?' -sic; literally means, ARE YOU IN THE CIRCLE OF LIFE?, circle of life is a colloquial term for the tree circled by a round bench-like thing, where students hang-out. i remember replying with: 'ye, circle'. then i ran. i ran like wind from my 3rd floor classroom in my school uniform down to the circle of life, which was, say, approximately, a loooong way down to the first floor (am not really good with distance.) when i was in the verge of stepping down to the first floor, i ran into thomas, and he saw me panting my way to the circle of life. he was grinning a sly grin and we both understood... i think. i'm sure i did.