numb

i've reached the point where i am numb. the point where my senses are dulled by the incessant comings and goings of pain that constantly throbs in the memories that plaster themselves to my mind. but today. right now, at this moment. a friend tells me they talked about a week ago. my heart suddenly beats from slumber. it was a moment so strong that my hands started quivering. my muscles were weak. my arms were weightless, and my typing is constantly mistaken. my mind now moves faster than my used to be nimble fingers.

what have i done to deserve this?

i love him. but why do i have to be the one to run to him? why can't i be happy in my own world where he is constantly residing? i miss the boy i used to love. please send him back to me.

because if he doesn't come. i'm not running after him anymore. what'll happen to me then?

i don't know if i am strong enough. but maybe this time. if it really doesn't work out, maybe i'll find someone who will become the boy i used to love, a little every day. i can wait.

even if it means waiting for him to become the boy i used to love. i'm not giving up yet. not yet. but one thing's for sure. i'm not the one after him no more.

trust me. it hurts so damn bad. but there's nothing left to do. my friends love me to the point where they make me try to forget about him. funny. when it's time for me to sleep, all the time i tried suppressing him from my mind, they pass by in a blur in those moments before sleep and i burst out crying 'til i fall asleep.

i wonder when and how i'll ever realize that the boy i love isn't there anymore? somebody, help me, please?