Closer to Love

After waiting for days, we finally get the chance to meet and catch up!

baby, you pull me closer to love.

i felt buzzed when you asked me to meet you for your mom's birthday.

these random, seldom days make my week. this is truly priceless. the tears i shed everyday are worth nothing compared to the touch of your hand. although it smells like cigar now.

i've learned to accept that part of you. i'm getting used to your new 'smell'.

still, i'll hold on for as long as i can. this feeling doesn't last forever.

so for now, while i still feel it. I love you.

thanks for making my day.

1:45:29 (1 hour, 45 minutes and 29 seconds)

Mom's birthday, Missy Bonbon.. thanks for the invite, love.

take 3

take 1,2,3. take everything. for the third time, i asked... no, begged you to stay. pride? i've none of that left. you said you feel nothing anymore. that's not true. i can still believe myself when i deny the truth that is set before me.

babyko, deep inside, i know this won't last. but i am taking my sweet time experiencing every moment i have with you.

it's when i stare at you when you're eating.

it's when i crave to hold your hand when you're driving.

it's when i hold you tight when you kiss me goodnight.

it's when i play with your hair when you're close to me.

it's when i breathe in your scent when we cuddle.

it's when i rest my head on your shoulder.

it's when i start feeling numb when i start getting jealous.

it's when i feel the hurt when you take me for granted.

it's when i cry at night knowing this bittersweet love won't last forever.

baby, i love you. i mean it when i say i'll love you forever.

june 16, 2010

numb

i've reached the point where i am numb. the point where my senses are dulled by the incessant comings and goings of pain that constantly throbs in the memories that plaster themselves to my mind. but today. right now, at this moment. a friend tells me they talked about a week ago. my heart suddenly beats from slumber. it was a moment so strong that my hands started quivering. my muscles were weak. my arms were weightless, and my typing is constantly mistaken. my mind now moves faster than my used to be nimble fingers.

what have i done to deserve this?

i love him. but why do i have to be the one to run to him? why can't i be happy in my own world where he is constantly residing? i miss the boy i used to love. please send him back to me.

because if he doesn't come. i'm not running after him anymore. what'll happen to me then?

i don't know if i am strong enough. but maybe this time. if it really doesn't work out, maybe i'll find someone who will become the boy i used to love, a little every day. i can wait.

even if it means waiting for him to become the boy i used to love. i'm not giving up yet. not yet. but one thing's for sure. i'm not the one after him no more.

trust me. it hurts so damn bad. but there's nothing left to do. my friends love me to the point where they make me try to forget about him. funny. when it's time for me to sleep, all the time i tried suppressing him from my mind, they pass by in a blur in those moments before sleep and i burst out crying 'til i fall asleep.

i wonder when and how i'll ever realize that the boy i love isn't there anymore? somebody, help me, please?

Behbyko... where are you, love?

This is about how i was once in love and how i was swept up in it. I built my world "on promises." But when it all came undone, i found myself lost. Now, i'm aching to believe that love can exist again.

i'm bitter. i lost my innocence, and the one thing i believed to be true. i don't want to be holy or sold on love again. That part of me is gone.

people say i should let him go. but all that's left of my life, if i do let go of these remaining strands, is the empty embraces that i remember perfectly from my memory. the kisses we shared throughout the years.

once again, my life is colorless and cold.

--- GONE, MATT NATHANSON

"i miss you and am thinking of you"

just recently, i've indulged myself guiltlessly over the final fantasy series theme songs. the one that affected me most was First Love by Utada Hikaru. a classic from where JPop originated. this song revolves around a central theme of undying love. girl loses boy and girl promises to love him, because 'he' was the one who taught her to love. pathetic? i believe we all get there, sooner or later.

here's a link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oD-xyshhHKM
-- spoiler alert-- (emotional tantrum about to happen)
there's no anger left anymore. there's only pain and unanswered questions. what has changed throughout the years? what keeps me hanging on to these fragile strands that threaten to break with the most delicate of movements?
shrek, forever after; got me crying when he said to Fiona:"i got the chance to fall in love with you all over again."it's pathetic to say, that every day that passes by with him in my mind, gets me saying the same thing. everyday, is another chance for me to fall head over heels, again. what pains me the most is how everyday is another chance for him to mess with my head, and to possibly give me an emotional breakdown... again.
i just wish he would love me more than i do him.

p.s.: my friends give the best advice... and i love them so.

what else is there to say?

Anata ga inakute, samishii kimochi ni narimashita. あなたが いなくて 寂しい気持ちになりました。

A Bit of Sensibility

July 29, 2005: this was five days before we got together, officially. i actually composed something for him, i called it 'a bit of sensibility':

when at night i'd close my eyes

to the thought of you beside me

it reaches out to the depths of my soul

that it will never be, what should have been

maybe you need someone to urge you

someone to say its true

a little push to your limits

somewhat higher than a mountain's summit

a moment in a day with you

seems like forever in a day

and it goes on to point of no return

where life may change without discern

if you could only feel what i feel

maybe then you'd feel what's real

if you had a bit of sensibility

maybe then you'd notice me

if you had a bit of sensibility

you could ask me for a dance

under the brilliant stars of romance

or maybe sing a song for me

you could hold me under the fairy lights

breathe the air you're breathing

climb a few mountains to their utmost heights

and from there take view of scenic sights

i can love you all my life

or let you go with all regrets

chain you in my heart

knowing it's broken from the start

maybe i could live a day or two

and die as soon as i hear what's true

i can smile for moment

and say you're heaven sent

but if you had a bit of sensibility

you could ask me for a dance

under the brilliant stars of romance

or maybe sing a song for me

but if you go

i want to let you know

i can shake the heavens with my cries

and fill the earth with tears from my eyes

but if you could only feel what i feel

maybe then you'd see what's real

if you had a bit of sensibility

maybe then you'd notice me

-- it's an original. i hope you like it.

Episodes

I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't.

in january 2005, i had this crazy, foolish crush on a boy. his name was thomas and we were both in second year high school. the year was ending and i kept my secret to myself. that summer, we started sending messages to each other, he told me what he was up to in the summer and i replied in return; smiling to myself every time i see my phone blinking with an unopened message. when summer was ending, he once mentioned his crush was back in the city (where i was, at that time.) i smiled silently as i my heart fluttered in the darkness that enveloped me that night, and i remember the news was about pope john paul ii and his illness. then i prayed, i prayed for a chance to show thomas the best of me, and the best of what we both could achieve... together. i was 14 then.

july 3, 2005. it was a month after my third year in high school started. that day, he messaged me if i was home, when i said i was, he told me to look outside. when i did, i expected him to be outside, laughing or grinning at me, but he wasn't; instead, i looked down and found a long-stemmed rose on the patch of grass underneath the pine tree. it was one of the best times of my life. my first rose. from my first love.

the succeeding days were unbearable! we couldn't look at each other. those days, i spent my lunch period in the library talking with my friends about anime, movies, computer games and other nerdy/geeky stuff. (i don't deny my geeky-ness. do you?)

after classes, however, thomas and i would stay in the school-grounds talk about randomness and laugh awkwardly when we reach a silent stage in our talks. he once asked how my parents met, which i answered awkwardly with, 'i don't really know.', and he laughed and said, 'aren't you supposed to know those kind of stuff?'.

july 26, 2005. he asked me to the prom at 5:48pm.

july 27, 2005. we started sending messages to each other, i don't remember if we had classes that day, but i do remember accompanying my friend Ria, to the clinic because she was feeling ill. thomas messaged me that he was cutting classes to play DotA; (i used to be okay with it.) Lunch time, and Ria and I went our separate ways, i think and i accidentally received 100 credits to my phone, which was really good, because 100 credits usually lasts a week or two. being a young nerdy, smart, geeky, teacher's pet, rebel, watchamacallit, i was back in my friends' classroom playing Tong-its, a card-game very famous for small-time gambling in the rural, and rugged streets of our dear country. it was honestly, the coolest game in school in 2005-2007? i'm not really sure. that afternoon, he messaged me: 'circle of lif gihapon ka?' -sic; literally means, ARE YOU IN THE CIRCLE OF LIFE?, circle of life is a colloquial term for the tree circled by a round bench-like thing, where students hang-out. i remember replying with: 'ye, circle'. then i ran. i ran like wind from my 3rd floor classroom in my school uniform down to the circle of life, which was, say, approximately, a loooong way down to the first floor (am not really good with distance.) when i was in the verge of stepping down to the first floor, i ran into thomas, and he saw me panting my way to the circle of life. he was grinning a sly grin and we both understood... i think. i'm sure i did.